And he's two!

He's two! TWO. So little, yet so big. I don't know many people, who, by the time they were two, had been abandoned by their parents, found on the side of a highway blue and dying; taken to a nearby orphanage and saved; discovered that he had a congenital heart defect, pulmonary high blood pressure, pneumonia and two hernias; and at two months old, had open heart surgery to save his life. Oh and then a year later had some cheeky people come get him from Washington state to be a part of their wacky family! So yeah, two is a lot!

I guess I'm starting out this blog with a bang. But truly, celebrating Luke turning two was a true celebration of LIFE.

Pic on the left - our second night together in China, 8.4.15; pic on the right - Luke on his second birthday, 2.10.16!

This little man is so big in so many ways. He clearly communicates what he needs and wants without speaking that many English words. When he giggles, everything is right in the world and there is no worry (if you had any) that could stick around in your heart. The way he says, "Baba" (daddy), is incredibly endearing and precious... you may wonder, "How did they ever live without each other?" The way he follows Jeje (big sister) around (and says her name!!) and does everything she does...he already looks up to her and wants to be just like her. So big. Also, he loves clothes and shoes, and particularly the hipster style. He basically picks out his clothes and shoes and very clearly tells me what he likes and doesn't like. And when I am wearing something cooler than I usually do, he totally notices and touches what I'm wearing and gets really excited as if to say, "Good job, Mom! You look really cool today!" Maybe he gets this excited because it's basically once a month that I wear anything cool??

These two were meant to be siblings. They absolutely love each other!

And then there's me and him. I love how that sounds, "Me and him."  We have grown quite fond of each other. My favorite thing to do with Luke is play with him. It is actually so much fun. His favorite things right now are cars, trucks, balls, playing outside—swinging, sliding, walking, running, playing with his trains and train track, wrestling, and bothering Cooper. Here are a couple pictures of one of our recent play times. We were having fun putting a meal together with his little play kitchen. He made me a yummy toasted cheese sandwich, bacon, fries with ketchup, cookie, banana and water! But then...he his dump truck and bull dozed right over it!!

Um, he also loves to hit, scratch, shake his head "No!", not eat, throw the best temper tantrums when he isn't getting his way, step on Cooper's tail and legs, throw stuff he's not supposed to throw, but you know, we won't talk about any of those things. We also won't talk about how the toddler stage is simply not my favorite stage at all. I mean, they're so cute but dang, can we just turn four already?? Don't touch that. Come over here. Please stop doing that. Uh-oh, looks like a little bedroom time. Please don't feed the dog your dinner. Please don't kick the dog. Please don't beat the dog. Please don't hit me. Stop scratching your sister. Please stop screaming. Show me 'please' instead of screaming. Oh whoops, I wasn't going to talk about this! Okay, back to the good stuff...

Back to me and him. Most know that it's been a struggle. We didn't like each other for awhile. I'm sure he didn't like how I looked, how I smelled, what I sounded like, the food I made, the weird language I spoke, everything! And I didn't like his constant yelling, screaming and hitting. So I think we both figured the playing field was level. And indeed it was. But my mantra has been, "Families stick together." And with that, families fight together. They don't fight against each other (okay, well sometimes they do but it hopefully unto something), and the fight isn't about who is going to win. It has nothing to do with winning. But they fight for something completely different—each other. They are willing to stick it out and choose love no matter what. This is what Luke and I have done. Never have I had anyone challenge so much, so deeply, and so often, the love that I have. Luke doesn't let me cheat, he doesn't let me love just a little, he doesn't let me fake it, but he pushes me to love genuinely, to love authentically, to love deeply, and to love all the time.

This is the love Luke has called me to. I think the thing that has broken me the most is Luke's continual choice to trust me over and over again. Those deep brown eyes have often been filled with fear and confusion. And yet, he lets me hold him, feed him, care for him. I have made mistakes, yelling at him or being impatient. But he still shows himself vulnerable, trusting, arms reaching out for me. The bond between the two of us is real and it is deep. When I was putting him to bed the other night, I started to miss him before his bottle was gone, before I had even put him in his crib. I decided to hold him a little while longer that night, and we did something that we hadn't done since we were in China: stared into each other's eyes for several minutes. Really special times.

Me and Luke on his birthday. I dressed up in my Chinese dress for this special occasion and also dressed him in his Chinese clothes. I love being his mama!

In the last week, he has suddenly not wanted to go in his crib to go to sleep. He screams and cries and puts his little arms up for us to hold him. It's like the way he was for the first two to three months of being in our family, which is when we would rock him to sleep. But around month four, he started reaching for his crib after his bottle and seemed to really love to be in it and go to sleep on his own. Bonus for us! We didn't fight that one. :) But suddenly, he's reverted back. We let him cry for a bit and see what happens and usually within three to four minutes, it is quiet and he's asleep. But the other day, when I put him in his crib after his bottle, and yet again he was screaming and reaching up for me, I decided, it's okay buddy - let's revert back and I will rock you to sleep. It was a tender time, and I loved the opportunity to hold him and bring peace to his soul. Even after he fell asleep in my arms, and I laid him in his bed, I took a few more minutes to kneel next to his crib and take in the peaceful look on his face. I think we're at a new stage of attachment.

Other little things about this big soul:
- He is not really into eating. The one thing you can guarantee that he'll eat is jiaozi (pot stickers). Other than that, it's all a guessing game. He does love yogurt and cheese, but unfortunately he has eczema so I have taken him off dairy to see if that helps. :( He also, oddly enough, loves spaghetti, mac-n-cheese, pb&j, quesadillas, broccoli cheddar soup, grilled cheese, applesauce, etc., and doesn't even like that many Chinese or Asian dishes! This has been a battle because most of what we cook are Asian dishes, and we don't really care for American dishes nor do we cook them! At least he loves sushi. Well, by "he loves sushi," what I mean is that he loves sushi rice wrapped in seaweed. He also loves Vietnamee Pho and Chinese noodle soup. Those are a couple of wins!

Can you tell that he is loving his sushi and fried rice?

- He talks all of the time, and whatever it is he is saying is hilarious. We can't understand any of it because it's just "Luke babble," but we love it. He is often telling some kind of story or trying to communicate to you that something is going down and he needs your help. He is starting to say a few English and Chinese words: uh-oh, wow!, hi, mama, baba (daddy), jeje (big sister), Jesus, nainai, yeye, popo (last three are chinese grandparent names), ni hao (how are you), go, whoa, ow, that, dog, down, up and yep.
- He weighs 25 pounds (he weighed 18.5 pounds when we got him). I don't know how tall he is right now...I need to measure that!
- He used to wear 12 month bottoms and 18 month tops, but as of a week-ish ago, he has graduated to 18 month bottoms and 24 month tops! He is also ready for size 4 diapers. :) (I wish he was ready for potty training, but I'll be lucky if he's ready by the time Kindergarten starts. This kid shows zero interest in such things!)
- He can throw an awesome tantrum. He enjoys throwing a tantrum at pretty-much everything. Just tell him no and he will show you his awesome tantrum skills!!

Luke enjoying a "bedroom time" earlier this week, and on his birthday no less! But, hitting and scratching mama because she said "we don't kick and hit Cooper," (the dog) for the millionth time that day, still means you get to have a little bedroom time till we're fun to be with, even on his birthday. Apparently I'm such a mean mama for doing such things! I love that face!

 - He loves being encouraged. From, "Good job, Luke!" to "I love you!" or "You are such a cutie!" he gets so delighted...the look and smile on his face is precious.

- He loves posing for the camera, and he absolutely loves being the center of attention. When people laugh at something he has done, or he notices that all eyes are on him, he turns up the charm for sure!

 - He is a total goofball! He loves to tease, joke, laugh, have fun! He turns just about everything into a game and pretty much wants to goof around all day.
- He loves being "on the go." When we are leaving to go somewhere, he gets so excited when he sees that we're putting coats on. Sometimes, he just wants to wear his coat around the house. Maybe hoping we'll be going somewhere?
- He LOVES being outside. We spend time outside every day no matter how cold it is. Here he is with his friend Zia at the park on his birthday. Zia has become pretty special since Luke gets to play with her twice a week. Her mom watches Luke on Tuesday mornings, and I watch Zia on Wednesday mornings. They are developing a really cute friendship!

Zia, "Hey, Luke! How's your birthday going?" Luke, "Great; thanks, Zia! Pretty cool plane ride that we're on right now too!"

- Our little guy with a big soul is very tender and sensitive. If you look at him wrong, raise your voice even slightly, walk out of the room to go get something (thus not in the same exact space), or even if he barely falls down, the little guy cries like his entire life is ending.

There is so much more to say about Luke Andrew Robinson, Lian Xin Wei. I love being his mom. I love that he is Chinese, I love that he is passionate, I love that he can be screaming one minute and hysterically laughing the next; I love that he is super limber and already does forward rolls, sprints like a crazy man, and climbs on everything. I love that he is my hipster toddler and loves clothes and shoes (and has a mom who knows nothing about fashion, poor kid), and I love that he is currently sporting a metro mullet. I fear daily that I am not enough for him, and also that I am not honoring his Chinese culture enough. But frankly, these are the only fears I will ever welcome in my life. While I know that not any human can be everything for another, I will always work hard to deepen my connection with Luke and be everything to him I am supposed to be. The fear I have of not being that will keep me pressing for it. And I will always work hard to honor his Chinese culture, which has been mine too since we had Abi. The fear of not honoring it will keep me seeking to honor it all the more.

The same week as Luke's birthday was the same week as Chinese New Year. It is the year of the "Fire Monkey" and this couldn't describe Luke more...he is my monkey, and he is on fire! I love you, Luke!

Three Months and Counting

At the civil affairs office on Gotcha Day, the first time we met each other...our first family photo.

When I thought about getting Luke, I knew it would be different than Abi, but I still imagined it being full of life and joy. I imagined myself immediately being in love with Luke, especially in the ways a mother would love her child. Who wouldn’t be completely in love with a darling 18-month old? Especially when he is your son, though through adoption? Especially when he was once an orphan, abandoned by the side of a highway, and now you get to be his mom, nurturing, loving and caring for him? It felt like establishing our new relationship would be like it was with Abi: effortless. I was not prepared for the work that it would take. Yes, all parent/child relationships take work, but that work comes from an already-established place of deep love. I had this with Abi immediately. Those who have been pregnant with their children have said that they have this immediately with their children. And yet, it was not there with Luke. It is one thing to be continents apart from each other and not feel the love of a mother/child (like when we were matched). It is another thing to be actually holding my child and feel the same thing: distance.

We had to work for it. I frankly didn’t like him. It sounds so terrible to say that. I feel so bad saying it, and for feeling it. I was supposed to be the bigger person, the one that could even “fake it till I make it”. But I couldn’t. It certainly wasn’t going to be him pressing for our relationship, nor should it be. And yet, I struggled minute by minute. I didn’t think he was that cute. (I know, this all sounds terrible.) He screamed with a type of shriek that was got under your skin and made you feel a certain type of infuriation, especially since it was almost every single hour unless he was sleeping. When he was screaming, he had a dull whine that was happening on a constant basis. He was teething and he had a diaper rash. He wouldn’t eat hardly anything, and if you tried to feed him, he would scream or hit you. Yet when he would feed himself, most things would just end up all over him and all over us. He didn’t like Abi. He would scream at her and hit her. He was grieving, and as much as I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me, or anyone in our family. He was making that clear! He did like Andrew from time to time, definitely more than Abi or me.

In our hotel in China together, for the first time.

The first few weeks of having Luke, there was a few nights that I cried myself to sleep while staring at Abi. I longed to be just with her again. I was mourning the fact that it wouldn’t just be the two of us anymore. She and I are so close and we had such fun together. I call her my soul mate. I remember our first 10 minutes together on Gotcha Day. She let me pick her up, and I began to sing to her, “Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams that you dreamed of, dreams really do come true.” We locked eyes in that moment, and never looked back.

I had to embrace Luke. I had to press through the feelings that I had, and I needed to be the bigger person. I had to be the mama! He needed me to be his mama. I had to look at him in the midst of his screaming and hitting, and say, “I choose you, Luke. I choose to love you. I choose to care for you. You matter to me. Our paths were chosen to be together. We are going to make it through this. Love will find a way!” And I had to make that choice not once, not twice, but 10,000 times.

Three months, and 10,001 choices later, our hard work has truly paid off. I am so deeply in love with this little boy that it is almost laughable to think about how I felt before. He is the absolute cutest little boy I have ever seen in my life. His smile is addictive; his laugh will make even the most pessimistic person feel like life is great. He is a hip little guy and I have a feeling that he is going to be one cool cat in this world. He loves his sister, adores his Baba, and is best friends with our dog, Cooper. And let me tell you something: he loves his mama like bees love nectar. And he gets quite angry if he sees anyone else in my arms!

I love this kid so much that there are times I’ve actually walked away from a crowd with him just to give him a bigger squeeze; to take another moment to let him know that he has my heart. I am blessed beyond measure.

I feel like we are winning. We are winning at staying connected; we are winning at caring for each other; we are winning at loving. Luke is a champion to me. Abandoned, and then shown love by his foster family, then taken from them, then chose to trust again, and now he is having the time of his life. He is happy, content, funny, quirky, moody, smart and most of all: courageous. Ah, my son. We are family forever. How I love you so.

Happy! This is Luke all the time. Very happy, carefree and easy going.

Can you say, hipster?

Luke and Andrew have such a special bond, they love each other so much!

Cooper and Luke: best buddies!

I am so proud of Abi. She too has pressed through and found a deep spot in her heart for Luke. She loved him instantly, but was disappointed that he didn’t love her instantly. She also wasn’t fond of sharing us with Luke. She had a lot to work through. She felt insecure, suddenly unsure of her place in our family. She felt confused by Luke’s lack of joy over her as his sister. I watched her try every day to connect with him. I also watched her try to believe that nothing has changed in our hearts for her. But it was really hard for her, no matter how many times we told her we loved her, or how many parties we threw “just for Abi, just because.” She threw more tantrums in the first month and a half of having Luke in our family, then the three years combined of us being a family together. Literally, I’m not kidding. And now? She is free again. She knows she’s loved. She knows she’s the big sister, yet always our little girl. She knows she has a new friend and brother, and she doesn’t mind sharing us with him. She loves our new family. She dressed up for Harvest (Halloween) this year as Wonder Woman. So fitting. She is indeed Wonder Woman.

Mama/Daughter date to the Balloon Stampede!

Abi and her best friend Ada in their preschool fall program.

Abi playing the drum in her preschool fall program; her dear friend Ella is on her right.

Abi's self-portrait from preschool!

Wonder Woman!

We are settling in as the new Robinson family. And I would say not just settling, but thriving. I love who we are becoming together. I love that God put us all together. I love my passionate Abi and my silly Luke. I love my husband who holds us all together. We have chosen to love, and no matter what the wild ride may be, we will live in that choice. After all, we are family!

Family forever!

The Way Home

The time had come, and we were ready, to start our new life together in Walla Walla. On Monday, Aug. 17, we arrived at the Hong Kong airport at 8:45 a.m. and boarded our 13-hour flight to Seattle at 11:15 a.m. It was an uneventful flight, thank the Lord, with very minimal screaming and unfortunately very minimal sleep. And by very minimal, I mean Andrew did not get any sleep; Abi slept for two hours and Luke slept for five. It was very interesting entertaining an 18-month old for eight hours on an airplane, and when there was turbulence most of the time and we couldn't even walk around! But, we made it. I was just so grateful that Luke chose to not grace the passengers with his beautiful set of lungs.

Luke having some fun before we board the plane for the long flight.

Ummmmm, Luke?

Ready for our long trip to Seattle!

In Seattle, on our way to Immigration and USCIS!

We had a three-hour layover in Seattle, and we needed it. Luke became an official US citizen right there at the immigration and USCIS offices! Everything felt so official, and it truly was. We hopped on the short 50-min plane ride to Walla Walla and were greeted at the airport by several friends and family members. What a joy to see all of them and introduce them to Luke! Even though Luke was tired, he cracked a bit out of his shell and people got to see a hint of the ham that he is. I felt like a bazillion bucks holding that sweet treasure in my arms.

Since we've been home, Luke continues to be all smiles. It doesn't feel like we've only had him for 2.5 weeks. It feels like it's been from the beginning. China was so difficult. I had to dig deeper than I've ever dug before. To meet a child, become his mom, give him love, calm his fears—it was a task I thought I was ready for, but I was not. I wasn't ready because I didn't have Luke. Yet together, he and I made it through. We locked eyes and never looked back. Yes there was the mourning, yes there was the frustrations, yes there was the pain, but never was there the chosen option to disconnect. We stayed connected, and that connection strengthened with each concerted effort to not let go.

Today I feel incredibly close to this little boy. Where he initially did not want my skin touching his, he now does not let me go. He is constantly putting his hands on my skin, even inspecting my hands, eyes, nose, mouth, arms. He pulls me close and lays his head on my chest. He reaches for Baba and calls for him often. He plays with big sister and is even getting used to our dog, Cooper. He smiles and makes us laugh; he imitates us and talks (OK, yells) our ears off. He walks with a new confidence—a confidence that says, "I belong," and looks at us with a twinkle in his eye. Who is this boy? He is our son!

On our way home from the Walla Walla aiport

Luke playing in his room...this is his favorite to so far!

First breakfast at home...all smiles!

Playing outside with Jeijei (big sister). They are so cute together. Luke loves being outside!

Love his little body!

Warming up to Cooper

Luke's first time swinging at our neighborhood park.

He loved it!

Our first walk/run together...

...with many more walks ahead. I love this journey with you, Luke!