Three Months and Counting

At the civil affairs office on Gotcha Day, the first time we met each other...our first family photo.

When I thought about getting Luke, I knew it would be different than Abi, but I still imagined it being full of life and joy. I imagined myself immediately being in love with Luke, especially in the ways a mother would love her child. Who wouldn’t be completely in love with a darling 18-month old? Especially when he is your son, though through adoption? Especially when he was once an orphan, abandoned by the side of a highway, and now you get to be his mom, nurturing, loving and caring for him? It felt like establishing our new relationship would be like it was with Abi: effortless. I was not prepared for the work that it would take. Yes, all parent/child relationships take work, but that work comes from an already-established place of deep love. I had this with Abi immediately. Those who have been pregnant with their children have said that they have this immediately with their children. And yet, it was not there with Luke. It is one thing to be continents apart from each other and not feel the love of a mother/child (like when we were matched). It is another thing to be actually holding my child and feel the same thing: distance.

We had to work for it. I frankly didn’t like him. It sounds so terrible to say that. I feel so bad saying it, and for feeling it. I was supposed to be the bigger person, the one that could even “fake it till I make it”. But I couldn’t. It certainly wasn’t going to be him pressing for our relationship, nor should it be. And yet, I struggled minute by minute. I didn’t think he was that cute. (I know, this all sounds terrible.) He screamed with a type of shriek that was got under your skin and made you feel a certain type of infuriation, especially since it was almost every single hour unless he was sleeping. When he was screaming, he had a dull whine that was happening on a constant basis. He was teething and he had a diaper rash. He wouldn’t eat hardly anything, and if you tried to feed him, he would scream or hit you. Yet when he would feed himself, most things would just end up all over him and all over us. He didn’t like Abi. He would scream at her and hit her. He was grieving, and as much as I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me, or anyone in our family. He was making that clear! He did like Andrew from time to time, definitely more than Abi or me.

In our hotel in China together, for the first time.

The first few weeks of having Luke, there was a few nights that I cried myself to sleep while staring at Abi. I longed to be just with her again. I was mourning the fact that it wouldn’t just be the two of us anymore. She and I are so close and we had such fun together. I call her my soul mate. I remember our first 10 minutes together on Gotcha Day. She let me pick her up, and I began to sing to her, “Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams that you dreamed of, dreams really do come true.” We locked eyes in that moment, and never looked back.

I had to embrace Luke. I had to press through the feelings that I had, and I needed to be the bigger person. I had to be the mama! He needed me to be his mama. I had to look at him in the midst of his screaming and hitting, and say, “I choose you, Luke. I choose to love you. I choose to care for you. You matter to me. Our paths were chosen to be together. We are going to make it through this. Love will find a way!” And I had to make that choice not once, not twice, but 10,000 times.

Three months, and 10,001 choices later, our hard work has truly paid off. I am so deeply in love with this little boy that it is almost laughable to think about how I felt before. He is the absolute cutest little boy I have ever seen in my life. His smile is addictive; his laugh will make even the most pessimistic person feel like life is great. He is a hip little guy and I have a feeling that he is going to be one cool cat in this world. He loves his sister, adores his Baba, and is best friends with our dog, Cooper. And let me tell you something: he loves his mama like bees love nectar. And he gets quite angry if he sees anyone else in my arms!

I love this kid so much that there are times I’ve actually walked away from a crowd with him just to give him a bigger squeeze; to take another moment to let him know that he has my heart. I am blessed beyond measure.

I feel like we are winning. We are winning at staying connected; we are winning at caring for each other; we are winning at loving. Luke is a champion to me. Abandoned, and then shown love by his foster family, then taken from them, then chose to trust again, and now he is having the time of his life. He is happy, content, funny, quirky, moody, smart and most of all: courageous. Ah, my son. We are family forever. How I love you so.

Happy! This is Luke all the time. Very happy, carefree and easy going.

Can you say, hipster?

Luke and Andrew have such a special bond, they love each other so much!

Cooper and Luke: best buddies!

I am so proud of Abi. She too has pressed through and found a deep spot in her heart for Luke. She loved him instantly, but was disappointed that he didn’t love her instantly. She also wasn’t fond of sharing us with Luke. She had a lot to work through. She felt insecure, suddenly unsure of her place in our family. She felt confused by Luke’s lack of joy over her as his sister. I watched her try every day to connect with him. I also watched her try to believe that nothing has changed in our hearts for her. But it was really hard for her, no matter how many times we told her we loved her, or how many parties we threw “just for Abi, just because.” She threw more tantrums in the first month and a half of having Luke in our family, then the three years combined of us being a family together. Literally, I’m not kidding. And now? She is free again. She knows she’s loved. She knows she’s the big sister, yet always our little girl. She knows she has a new friend and brother, and she doesn’t mind sharing us with him. She loves our new family. She dressed up for Harvest (Halloween) this year as Wonder Woman. So fitting. She is indeed Wonder Woman.

Mama/Daughter date to the Balloon Stampede!

Abi and her best friend Ada in their preschool fall program.

Abi playing the drum in her preschool fall program; her dear friend Ella is on her right.

Abi's self-portrait from preschool!

Wonder Woman!

We are settling in as the new Robinson family. And I would say not just settling, but thriving. I love who we are becoming together. I love that God put us all together. I love my passionate Abi and my silly Luke. I love my husband who holds us all together. We have chosen to love, and no matter what the wild ride may be, we will live in that choice. After all, we are family!

Family forever!