Not all peachy-keen, or a rite of passage?

Last night was epic. And I wish it were epic because of reasons such as bonding, attaching, cuddling, Luke knowing he belongs, etc. But no. Maybe someday soon. This time it was epic because Luke was in so much pain – body, heart and soul – and he could not help but let us know with the shrieking sounds he was making. Shrieking.

I mentioned in a previous post that he is teething, and that he also has a diaper rash. It all came to a head last night. We went swimming yesterday afternoon, when we didn’t know he had a diaper rash, and Andrew and I wonder if the chlorine aggravated the rash. At any rate, our sweet little guy simply couldn’t stop crying. We tried giving him a very small amount of baby Tylenol (1/2 a teaspoon) mixed with a little apple juice, but he would not take it. We could not get it down him.

For his bum, we put Burt’s Bees diaper rash cream on him. He screamed and screamed. We thought maybe it was burning him, so we put him in a very cool bath. He had a temperature, so we thought the cool bath would feel good to his body. Oh my goodness, it was terrible. He screamed like you can’t imagine. I was in the bath with him, and was gently putting the water on him, and when I would, he would scream like he was in an incredible amount of pain. At this point, I was crying with him. We got out, and we did our best to comfort him, but the screams continued.

He was burning up, and his little body was shaking with fear. Andrew went to a nearby pharmacy and they had a translator app that he could use. They recommended a Chinese cold pack for fevers. Luke got upset when we put it on him, but then he actually calmed down for the first time in hours. Then he fell asleep.

We thought maybe we had gotten through the worst of it and maybe now he would be able to sleep and get some relief. Not so…

An hour later, he woke up screaming and trying to grab his little bum. Other times, he would put his hand in his mouth and scream. We tried a warm bottle, but it made him mad. Water, but that made him mad too. Cuddles, but he didn’t want us to touch him, yet he wanted me to hold him, all at the same time. This poor little guy! I was able to get my finger in his mouth with some teething gel, which made him even more upset, but helped in the long run. It’s now 10 p.m.

Meanwhile, our firstborn is refusing to sleep and telling us that, “I’m too excited for tomorrow. I can’t sleep. I just want to play.” She keeps getting up and coming into our room, always perfectly timed when Luke was just about to fall asleep. He would hear her come up, and then wake up and start crying again. I ended up yelling at her, and little Luke is now more upset than ever. Crazy mom for the win! Ugh. Andrew went to cuddle with Abi and talk through things with her. I continued trying to calm down Luke. It’s now nearly 11 p.m.

Luke just kept crying and screaming. When I would touch him or look at him, he looked at me like I was a complete stranger and was abducting him. But he didn't want me to leave him alone either. I knew that there was more going on in him than just the physical pain. You know what I want when I’m sick? Even still at 42? My mom. She is whom I want. To Luke, I am not his mom yet. I think Luke was crying out for his foster mama. I would tell him, “Wo ai ni,” which is “I love you” in Chinese, and he would literally shriek and hit me on the chest. When holding him, the shrieks would continue, but when I would lay him down, the shrieks would only get worse. It’s like he wanted to be comforted, but not by me.

I felt so incredibly sad for him. I wished I had his foster mama’s phone number so I could call her and ask her what she would do. Instead, I just continued holding him close believing that these deposits of love will make their way into his aching heart and bring healing to his longing soul. Since words weren’t helping, I just remained silent and held his tender body. Sometimes remaining silent are the best words one can “speak.” I felt like the best I could do is be with him in the moment, and pray. I will trust God to do what only He can do, and Luke is trusting me to do what only I can do: stay.

We decided to have Luke sleep next to us rather than in his crib. He would fall asleep for little bits of time, but then wake up screaming in his crib. And if he fell asleep in my arms, and I laid him in his crib, half the time he would wake up screaming anyway, so we felt that he wanted to be near us. Finally at 12 a.m., our little guy fell asleep for the night, right in between us. I stared at him until 1 a.m., crying and praying. I said to myself, “Is this a rite of passage tonight?” I hoped so. I hoped that what has made him broken will one day bring him healing.

When Luke woke up, he saw both his mama and baba laying beside him. It seemed so perfect. He put his little feet on me, and I started to rub them. When I’d stop, he’d put his feet on me again. This was his way of snuggling up to me, and I thought, we’re making progress little buddy, we’re making progress. And here's a good sign that we are...